Cool Gags

Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was as pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father’s wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so he became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow’s grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father’s wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter’s son.

My wife is now my mother’s mother
And it makes me very blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She’s my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother
I am my own grandpa!

Position of a Husband Is just like a Split AC
No matter however Loud he is in the Outdoor
He is designed to remain Silent indoor…

“Husband is one who is the head of the family, but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes.”

A man in Hell asked Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means – With Idiot For Ever

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, So I’d be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, So I could have a new one every day.

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are..
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.

Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?
Husband: A lovely Push…!

The only thing IRS has not yet taxed is the penis.

This is due to the fact that 70% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 13% of the time it is pissed off, 12% of the time it is hard up, and 5% of the time it’s in the hole.

It has two dependents, but they’re nuts.

Issues still under consideration are as follows: Are there penalties for early withdrawal? Do multiple partners count as a corporation? Are condoms deductible as work clothes?

Effective January 1, 2002, penises will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:

10″-12″ Luxury Tax

8″-9″ Pole Tax

6″-7″ Privilege Tax

4″-5″ Nuisance Tax

Note: Males exceeding 12″ must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4″ is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long.

And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, “It’s too big! – it will never fit!” Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn’t be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again…………

DON’T YA JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent.

Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,

“Oh, Sherry by all means. To me, it’s the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I’m transported into another world. Port, on the other hand, makes me fart.”